Hmmm, sometimes things get lost in translation,,,

It’s the holiday season and that can be, complex. Friends and family, all my favorite music there is much to love about this time of year. Yet, this time is different too. I am miles from home, there is no one to cook for, nothing to prepare, things are a little unsettled for me, the isolation is more stark.

Work is great, For a moment I was afraid. We have big plans and the next couple of years could see explosive growth but everyone wasn’t on board. Scary stuff, for me anyways but it all worked out in the end. My work has morphed and evolved which is pretty good. It is fascinating, piles and piles of it. I have very little if any role in ‘what’ we do but I work with everybody who does ‘what’ we do. Hopefully, if I do my job well, it will make their jobs easier, more effective. That’s a pretty darn good reason to get up in the morning.

Me? Eh, I go to the gym, thank goodness or I would weigh 200lbs, lol. I eat, hopefully, when i decide to diet again all the working out will pay off in spades, but right now I am stronger and have dang good stamina, not exactly a bad payoff. But there are still oreos in the kitchen :) I had a major falling out with my trainer, I decided I wanted to change my routine and concentrate on strength training and he became quite angry. Now he is a glorified spotter. Eh, he watches me lift weights as I go through my routine. He claims not to understand what I am trying to accomplish. He has a crappy attitude but I don’t care. He is paid thru Feb, so we will keep meeting at 6:30a until it’s done. The girls who teach spin cycle, yoga and pilates are awesome. They encourage, not berate. They don’t try to get into your head and they let you work at your own pace but they don’t let you quit. Everything in it’s time.

Sex, sigh. I got tired of the whole casual sex thing so I’ve been ignoring most of the emails I’ve received. If one catches my eye, maybe I will respond, we will just have to wait and see.

It has occurred to me that I really do find dresses quite sexy, so I want to give myself the gift of wearing them more often.  I think they are attractive and that they soften me. I like being a woman and I want that to show. Not that I am a push over but that I am all woman. I am not sure I will ever be that woman who never wears pants, I rock in jeans, but I would like to be that woman who at least wears dresses most of the time. I love heels. so I wear them even more often now than before. With jeans, slacks, everything. The shoe sales this year, wow! I have a fetish all right, it is shoes. On a more intimate note, I want a piercing. For a long time I put it off in case ‘He’ didn’t like it. The thing is, there is no’ he’ so when ‘he’ comes ’he’ will have to get with the program because I want it and I will have it. Joan Crawford once said, “I never go outside unless I look like Joan Crawford the movie star. If you want to see the girl next door, go next door.” I am not sweet. I am vibrant and funny and sensual. My evolution includes dressing the part of who I am, not hiding in plain sight. Over and under my clothes, I’m giving myself permission to be confidently, self-sexy. Sexy for me. If you want sweetly submissive and uncertain, I can’t help you.

Mr Married hasn’t gone anywhere. Thankfully we don’t see each other often, maybe every six to eight  weeks. We do not get an A for effort in the illicit affairs department.  The upside, I never see him so he doesn’t interfere with my life. The downside, we talk a great deal, multiple times a day, sometimes only for seconds, other times much longer. Thus he dominates (HA!) the place in my mind where fantasy lives. Is he a place-keeper? I don’t know, probably. Sometimes when we have these raging battles I hope it is the last ime and he is just gone for once and for all but that hasn’t happened yet. I kinda hope someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet and then one day it will be a moot point. Instead this is simply guaranteed to end. He is funny. He is smart. He is handsome. He is Dominant and we click. Oh well,,,

As for the poem, it occured to me while I was trying to process my feelings about Mr Married and what he represents in my life. In many ways He is my dream deferrred.  A kinky, dominant dude. Gomez to my Morticia, when we’re clicking, we’re clicking. He bakes pie, I bake cake. We both drive jeeps, we both have a backgounds in IT. It isn’t always sex talk and chatter between us. I am a person to him and I matter, as much as I can. We laugh. My fantasy strong man.

But his other life, his REAL life is my dream. Someone to watch after and someone to watch over me. Football games and recitals. Dinner and trips to see the fam. All I ever wanted. Donna Reed in corset and shirtwaist.

The dream deferred? I guess it is in your perception. If I stayed despondent and broken over what I don’t have I would be lost. My dream would be that festering bad meat left to rot in the sun. The despairing do not see their dreams as deferred, the dream is seen as lost, gone forever. Like Lot’s wife they look over their shoulders towards their hearts desire and they are frozen in space until they are washed away.

Instead, I’ve sifted through the rubble of the dream and fashioned new dreams. Instead of loss, I’ve determined a reason to keep going and instead of hopelessness, I’ve found a chance. This is not to say that everything is coming up roses. I have sad times, angry times. Not just at Mr Married, at men in general. I have not deserted men, yet I often feel men have deserted me. Thus, I had to make choices and take control of my dreams back from those who don’t see and value me.

However, I am no longer lost. There is a plan, “Creating A Family – 101″, and I am working on it. The shattered dream of my own family in the ‘Ozzie and Harriet’ sense has been patched back together, it looks different but it is there and it is doable, deferred, changed but not lost, not destroyed.

What happens to a dream deferred, does it lie heavy in your arms as your will drains from it like life from the dying? Or is it reconfigured broken glass, glistening in the sun like crystal as light reflects on the uneven edges?

I will let you know when I finish gluing my glass,,,

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