Sometimes, I frustrate myself. I do things that anger me and I find myself perplexed and frustrated by my own behavior.

I’ve attempted many conversations with the therapist about this, poor woman, she had no idea,,, I creep up to it and then I scurry away,,, this may take a while.

I wish I could explain why I sit in my mind and actively debate my actions while I am doing them. I wish I could do the right thing all the time. Just rip the freaking band-aid off and walk away. But I don’t, I don’t.

When I am on a date and I want to toss my water on some guy and storm out — why not?  Why sit there and debate ‘submission’ when I am seething and what I really hear is someone attempting to manipulate me into doing what they want by suggesting I do not understand how I should behave as compared to how I actually do.

A friend of mine once got in trouble debating global warming I think. I broke up with a guy this month over immigration. Here’s the kicker, if he had called back after the big blow-up we probably would be chatting today even though I think he is an idiot. I am not sure why but I know it is true. My personal defense mechanism when annoyed with someone is to delete their number and contact info. If they go away, sigh of relief, if they call back, eh oh well, I guess another cup of coffee won’t kill me.

Apparently I may be passive-aggressive, but who knows. Mostly when ‘discussing’ I tend to respond the same way most of the time. Wait patiently until the person runs out of steam and then restate my case; smile patiently and agree (lie) or stand my ground becoming confrontational. I’ve been doing the wait patiently and restate my case thing with my personal trainer for the last four weeks. This week I pushed back a little more when he tried, yet again, to convert me to being a vegetarian. I am trying to really become low-carb, at least I can eat as a low-carb person. The other day, when he started in on me again over my food choices I gave him word for word, not angrily, just stated my case. When I did not fold in the face of his wisdom, he literally stormed off stating he would not discuss it with me until I was ready to listen. Uh yeah. I will never be ready to listen to that speech Dude. I am never going to be a vegetarian. I think I am comfortable making that statement to him. Honestly, I am morphing into some kind of low-grade athlete but never a vegetarian. He can get over it. Come to think of it, I may tell him that tomorrow, but then again, maybe not.  

Btw, I have NOT mentioned DD, Ds or any other kinky thing to the therapist. She has enough to deal with, I don’t want to cause her to transfer me back to the pony-tail wearing supervisor.

But, right now I am making myself very angry, mostly when I am on dates, mostly when I am trying to understand why I haven’t found a human who finds me worth rising to the occasion for, this is perplexing.  

Yet, as many dates as I have, why do I spend time with those whom I know do not have a long shelf life when the next bus is coming down the street so to speak?  I frustrate the teeth from myself sometimes. It is a waste and it is aggravating, but the option is sitting home and that is not my favorite thing. So I go and I ruminate and I confuse myself..

However, I no longer blame myself — that is a step forward. Actually, I got this nice list from a gentleman describing me, ”You find a solution to every issue, you’re supportive, you stand by your friends, you are passionate and sexy, you are a wonderful woman, good woman, good person and you give emotionally” 

All of that is true. Overall I am not a bad girl.

About a month ago, in a moment of despair, I told a friend, you can’t be pretty enough or thin enough, you can’t be smart enough or bring enough to the table to make someone love you. That is still true. But I no longer take that assessment and feel hopeless about the future. At least not everyday, maybe from time to time but not everyday and less and less as time goes on.

That assessment indicates that there is no way a person can be essentially good. That is not true, I can be essentially good and worthy. I AM essentially good and worthy. If someone else misses that it is a failing on their part not mine. If a person won’t step up to the plate, their bad judgement is no reflection on me.

Is there a button in my head that needs to be pushed? Perhaps a switch that needs to be flipped? I can understand a married woman swallowing part of herself and accepting actions or behaviors from her spouse that she neither appreciates nor agrees with – ever. However, why do men who you barely know think they should get the same courtesy because they are ‘dominant’? Why do I have this stupid conversation, over and over and over again? Those married or committed people have an agreement and are making an investment into each others lives. They ARE each others lives. DD or not, the fact of life is, married people eat guff – the only difference is what kind of guff will they be enjoying today. Well actually, married people who want to be married eat guff – the rest of them, keep each other company while their futures fade like smoke from dying candles. 

These guys that I date? It’s just kinky sex, a kinky booty call truth be told.

I don’t have romantic notions about long-term relationships. People I know here and in real life have lived through deep water. I’ve watched the most committed DD, D/s and M/s couples have been tossed about like wheat. Truthfully, I’ve been frightened at times. My chest painfully clenching when I read your words or hear pain in a friend’s voice. I’ve learned, this lifestyle choice does not inoculate you from life, it does not guarantee success, at best, it offers optional tools to build a bridge back to each other. It is simply a different way of ‘dieting’ that some have found works.

But, like a diet, low-carb or vegetarian, it only works if you commit to it, if you try. I had Oreos tonight, for shame, they are not on my low-carb diet and I will have to run them off this weekend. The price for going off my diet – I have extended the time required to reach my goal. Somewhere else, a woman was spanked, however she got there, be it maintenance or submitting to being punished; she or better yet they, did not lose site of the overall goal. In the long run, they will meet their objective, strengthen their relationship faster than some who do not stick to their ‘diet’. 

Maybe that is part of the issue. I am dumbfounded that there are those who want to circumvent all of that commitment and sacrifice. Some form of relationship cosmetic surgery. The sex thing? Ok, let’s get on with it, but why do these gentlemen want me to mentally buy in? It is a charade after all. It is creative, it is fancy, it is all these wonderful pulse-pounding things — but it isn’t anything else. That perplexes me. The rules, the pretense, they make-believe offenses, enough already. I am working with the therapist on ‘seeing’ things and stating plainly what they are, not saying they are what someone else defines them as being. These activities go totally against what she is trying to get me to do. It wears me out.

Why can’t I just say, ‘Ok, let’s sleep together, role-play a little until something preferrable comes along”. This apparently is just a little to upfront for these guys. So they tell me they are married, or have been married three times or are life-long committed bachelors with no intention of ever settling down with another. Why then, do they expect me to commit to them when we don’t have the same long-term goals? Thus I feel like I am falling down the rabbit hole,,, trying to make sense of nonsense.

Is there some game being played that self described dominant men have to win?

And really, what is the problem? Do I think I need to prove myself? Do I think I want them to acknowledge my worth? Am I worthy because they say so or because I actually am? Trust me, therapist lady is earning her pay,,,

So that’s what’s kinda up on the relationship front,,,

Btw, when I figure out Mr Married I will let you all know,,,

Enjoy your weekends :)

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