He has a name, Favorite Candidate, (Thanks KayLynn!), I will use FavCan for short.
I mentioned that FavCan and I have history. We do, lots and lots of shared family and events going back for years. But I am not sure if he remembers me like I remember him,,,he claims he does but who knows.
You see I remember him, well,,,,
We have many close mutual friends and relatives. I remember his crowd and I remember him. Unlike many, he was not in nor going into a ministry. I remember them. Handsome, virile, passionate in their callings, the sons of thunder. They were often surrounded by candidates for the office of preachers wife. There must be something to those scientific studies that say women are drawn to certain types of men. We have pictures, the young women literally look like flowers in brightly colored ruffled dresses, with curly hair and glowing faces. The young men gleam with intensity and purpose.
He was stern even then. Funny yet foreboding. Engaging when he felt like it, he could be unapproachable, particularly when compared with others who were far more social and involved.
Handsome, damn handsome,,,the cutest in the bunch,
I am not sure he understands, he thinks I remember the rest of them so much better and that he faded into the background, he didn’t fade.
We were both seeing others at that time. Each going our own ways.
But I remember,
He was there, handsome, committed, courtly, focused, masculine, a whole bunch of mo’ better.
I remember,
His body is denser now, collecting the muscle mass of aging testosterone. Lines etch his face, dimples are deeper, his gaze is steady, his voice strong. He has even less patience with foolishness, if that is possible. He cherishes privacy and this dance for us is like moving through a minefield. I am slowly learning the restricted zones, exploring him. Peace be still,,,
I’ve been pondering trust a lot lately. He has his way, I have mine, we are similar yes but very different still. All of that remembering, dredging up the feelings the desires of a young woman who wanted nothing more than to be a good wife, a good mother and pleasing to God. I thought Proverbs 31 was a road map to happiness. But I am not that girl anymore. I’ve been battered and the path we are walking is scarred from previous journeymen. We are dragging heavy luggage.
Add in ttwd and fences and security and boundaries and that is a whole new place to be. He is traditional yes, but we have not discussed ttwd at all except in the broadest terms. I fear we are courting simply to have to court again at some point in the future.
What are the boundaries, where is the place called trust? How do you explain that rigidity offers a sense of security at the same time it sparks the battle? When will I know that his way of being is for the best for us and not just a sign of selfishness and all about what is the best for him? When do I arrive at camp everything is ok? Is there a place where all of the secrets out and and you exhale or are there whole new worries to be found there?
Now as we court I find myself faced with new worries. My desire creates new demands. Facing our current situations and the changes that would need to happen for this to become longterm is sobering. Someone will have to relocate. There is no guarantee – none – that we would not relocate again within five years. It’s just the way things are. I am blessed, it isn’t so bad. We have friends everywhere and we would be welcome but still,,,
I wonder after we discuss ttwd what will happen with the kinky? Is there a new kinky or when he looks at me, will he feel he is indulging an overdressed perversion?
Does his r/l inflexibility suggest a greater trustworthiness? Is it selfish and uncaring or stable and dependable? When, if ever, does the armor go down? If you are always responsible for yourself and your decisions, does giving yourself permission to explore a new thing place responsibility for all the emotional risk at my doorstep? Am I eternally sentenced to walk on egg shells?
I remember him yes, I know where we’ve come from but what if anything those memories mean for the future,,,how do you know it is ok to trust?





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